The Chaotic Life of Ed and Envy
by Fullmetal224
Summary: Roy adopts Ed, Envy, and Al. Chaos ensues. Parental!Roy. Very crazy. contains spanking of teens.
1. This Can't Be Happening

The Chaotic Life of Ed and Envy

Chapter One: This Can't be Happening

Ed and Envy stared at Roy in astonishment. Why would he even _consider _adopting the destructive trio? They remembered it all. Roy took them in their office, and told them he adopted Ed, Envy, and Al. Envy had nowhere to go and no power left, so he had no choice. He complied reluctantly, along with Ed. Al just flat-out agreed.

After the trio signed the paperwork, they were on their way to Roy's house. The car ride was boring. Everyone kept silent. Al was smiling happily, while Ed and Envy brooded about this whole situation. This was going to be a nightmare.

At Roy's house, the new brothers were shown to their rooms, and then were led to the living room to discuss some ground rules.

"Rule #1: No lying to anyone.

Rule #2: No disobedience.

Rule#3: No disrespect.

Rule #4 and the most important rule: No putting anyone in harm's way. This includes going out on dangerous missions, and even fighting. If anyone gets hurt, there will be consequences. Even if you spar, it will be with adult supervision. Understand?"

Everyone nodded.

"Now, there are consequences. If you do something of minor consequence, I might give you a time-out or take something away for a period of time. If you deliberately break one of the four most important rules, you will be either spanked or grounded. Now there is swearing. There will be no swearing in this family. If you swear, I'll wash out your mouth with soap. Understood?" He said the last statement while looking mostly at Ed.

Everyone nodded. Ed rolled his eyes. This was REALLY going to be a nightmare.

I know it's short. Maybe even Ed-sized. Still R&R!


	2. Sibling Rivalry

A/N: No armor Al in this one. Just human Al.

Chapter 2: Sibling Rivalry

While Roy was making dinner, Ed and Envy settled for playing checkers. When Ed won, Envy started to fit,

"You cheater!"

"How did I cheat!"

"You took a turn while my back was turned!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

Roy finally had enough, and shouted from the kitchen, "Boys! Do you want a time-out!"

Ed and Envy blushed, and looked down. "No."

"Then quit this fighting, and try to get along!" Roy yelled back, his stern voice promising punishment if not listened too. This shut the two up, and they were quiet until dinner. At dinner, Ed 'accidentally' nudged Envy's foot, causing Envy to nudge back. Ed kicked him in the leg, and it turned into a kicking match. A particularly hard kick caused Envy to yelp, setting Roy off.

Roy grabbed the boys by the arms, and pushed them both in separate corners. "Stay there until you learn to get along! I won't have you two fighting every day and tearing each other up!" He scolded. 10 minutes later, they were let out, and kept quiet until bedtime.

At bedtime, Roy came in each of their rooms, said goodnight, and kissed each of them on the forehead. Ed and Envy blushed, while Al giggled and kissed back.

The next morning, Envy saw Ed standing next to an expensive-looking vase. He smirked, and casually walked next to Ed. Suddenly, he pushed the vase over, and it fell to the floor with a loud

CRASH!

Envy then proceeded to run to his room, but he then heard Mustang shout, "Envy…get over here!" Envy's heart thumped in his chest. Ed smirked. This was going to be fun! He saw Envy shakily trudge over to Roy, whimpering. Roy grabbed Envy's wrist, and led him to Roy's room. Ed then heard sharp smacks and pain-filled yelps. He smiled even bigger, and pressed his ear up against the door, listening to all that was happening. When they smacks stopped and the crying quieted, Ed frowned and backed away from the door. Out came a stern-looking Roy, and a sniffling Envy. Ed smirked.

Outside, Al suggested that the brothers all play catch with a red rubber ball. The game went fine for awhile, Al passing to Ed, Ed passing to Envy, Envy to Al, and so on. Envy then got a sneaky idea, and when Ed passed the ball, he threw it back, hitting Ed right in the face. Al sighed. He then saw Ed throw the ball back at Envy, hitting Envy in the stomach. Al sighed again. Something told him this was not going to go well.

Yeah, this is the best I could do. Writers block here. Give me some ideas with brotherly relationships with these three. R&R!


	3. Family Love

Chapter 3: Family Love

A few seconds later, Ed and Envy found themselves squirming on very hard stools in separate corners. Envy was squirming the most. This was the second time today that Roy spanked him! Al had gone inside and tattled that the other two were fighting, and the sight was not pretty.

15 minutes later, they were finally let out, and were rubbing there sore bottoms like they were on fire. After that, they went back outside to suggest something better to do. Al then got a sneaky idea, and top-toed over to Ed, then suddenly yelling,

"TICKLE FIGHT!"

Al then started to tickle Ed to no end, Ed laughing and squirming to get free. Ed then overpowered Al and started to tickle him. Envy looked on in confusion. What was this? They were touching each other and laughing. What was so funny?

Roy smiled as he looked out the window at the three. He frowned when he saw Envy standing alone. He probably never heard of a tickle fight. He went outside, and snuck up behind Envy, his hands aimed for his sides. Envy gasped and looked behind him, to see Roy's creepy smiling face. He tried to run, but was too late when he felt something tickle his sides. He started to laugh, falling to the ground. He squirmed and laughed as the hands moved to tickle his stomach.

Roy smirked as Envy laughed. It was about time Envy had some happiness in his life. He then looked at Envy's exposed stomach, and couldn't help himself. He bent down low, and blew a loud raspberry in his stomach. Envy squealed in delight. When Roy's tickling finally stopped, Envy calmed, and felt himself being picked up.

"Naptime!"

Ed, Al, and Envy looked at him in surprise. They were too old for naps! "I know what you're thinking. But you need your sleep. After your naps we'll have lunch, then you can play some more. Sound good?" Roy asked. Everyone sighed. Roy then put them down for their nap, and left to catch a few winks himself.

Envy, still not tired, tip-toed to Al's room. Al was fast asleep. Envy frowned. The tattletale was no fun anyway. He then went to Ed's room. Ed was asleep. Envy's frown deepened. Great, no one to help him play a prank on his new dad. He then felt a hand clamp down on his shoulder. He froze, and looked over to see his now angry dad. Envy smiled nervously, and waved weakly.

Roy carried Envy to his room, put him in bed, and left again. By the look on Roy's face, Envy thought it would be best to take his nap. Besides, no one else was awake.

One hour later, Roy came and woke up the boys. They had lunch, which was chicken and mashed potatoes. After lunch, Roy let them play outside while he did dishes. He looked out the window to see the boys playing tag. He snickered. It was so funny to see Envy actually enjoying himself and not having to kill someone to do it.

As he thought this, he heard a cry from outside. He looked out, and saw Envy clutching his arm, Ed and Al standing over him. He ran out with the first-aid kit, and looked at Envy's arm. A big scratch was across the arm. Roy disinfected it, while Envy kicked and hissed in pain. Roy put a band-aid on the arm and smiled, patting Envy on the head.

"Care to explain what happened?" Roy asked.

"Well, we were playing tag, and Envy slipped and fell on a rock." Ed explained. Roy looked at Envy. "Is that true?" Envy nodded. Roy looked at the sky. "It's getting late. Let's have some dinner. Then you guys get a bath and go to bed." Roy explained. The boys groaned.

How will THIS turn out? R&R PLEASE! I'M LONELY!


	4. Things That Go Bump in the Night

Chapter 4:Things That Go 'Bump' in the Night

Dinner was very peaceful. No fighting, no shouting, just the way Roy liked it. But when it was time for a bath, the only one who wanted to take one was Al. Roy thought for a moment, before shaking his head. "I think the tub's big enough for all of you." He said. Ed and Envy gaped in suprise.

In the bathroom, Roy filled the large, circular tub with warm water, and before the trio could run, he stripped their clothes off, and put them in the tub, where the water reached up to their chests. On one side of the the tub, Ed and Envy sat beside each other, talking about random stuff, while Al was taking his bath. Roy pulled out some soap, and scrubbed Al all over, Al giggling as Roy splashed him.

"Your-I mean..._our _brother sure is a suck-up." Envy stated.

"Really? What makes you say that?" Ed asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm as he looked at their brother enjoying his bath. After Al's hair was washed and rinsed, he switched places with Envy. Ed chuckled as Roy washed Envy, and when Envy's face was washed...

"OW! MY EYES! YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!"

"I assure you, I didn't. Keep your eyes closed, and let me finish."

Ed burst out with laughter as the scenario continued, and froze when he heard it was his turn. Envy smirked as he passed by Ed, and started to snicker as Ed blushed at being scrubbed where in his mind had no reason of being scrubbed.

After the bath, Roy had them brush their teeth and hair, and go straight to bed.

"But it's only 9:00!" Ed whined. "That will be your bedtime until I can trust you with a later one. Now get to bed," Roy replied as he lightly pushed Ed into his room.

At about 1:00 in the morning, Envy woke up, hearing thumps and quiet whimpers. He cracked open his bedroom door, and found out the sound was coming from Ed's room. Opening the door, he saw Ed with his knees drawn to his face, his arms wrapped around his legs. His shoulders were shaking, and it was very clear now he had been crying. On one hand, Envy was confused. He hated Ed, and would do anything to destroy him. Why was he feeling sorry for the brat? On the other hand, he did really feel sorry. He walked to Ed, whispering, "Ed? Are you okay?"

Ed looked up as he heard the footsteps, and saw the homunculus in his light green pajamas. (Ed wears light blue, Al wears red...) "Yeah...just another nightmare about mom..." Ed sniffled, rubbing tears from his eyes. Envy inwardly sighed in relief. "Okay...I guess I'll go..." Envy whispered as he started to walk away, when he felt Ed grab his arm. He looked at Ed in confusion.

"Envy, this may sound weird...but, can you sleep with me...just for tonight?" Ed asked. Envy was so astonished, all he could mutter was an "okay..." as he crawled into the bed beside Ed. A few minutes into it, he felt Ed wrap his arms around his waist. After staring blankly for a few seconds, he ruffled Ed's golden locks, and weakly smiled, soon falling asleep as well.

Awwwwww!^^ R&R!


	5. Where There's a Father

Chapter 5: Where There's a Father...

The next morning, Roy went to Envy's room to wake him up. Finding no Envy, he hurried to Ed's room, and saw the two sleeping peacefully, Ed's arms wrapped gently around Envy's waist. Roy smiled, and took out his camera, snapping a quick photo of the two. Walking over to them, he gave their shoulders a gentle shake, waking the two brothers. Roy smiled as he saw the boys blush.

"Get up and get dressed. I'm going to wake up your brother." Roy ordered as he walked to Al's room, Envy walking to his own room.

After everyone was ready, they drove to the office. On the way, Ed asked, "Hey, Roy? If you're gonna be a father, who's gonna be the mother?" Roy froze, and almost ran into a street light at that question. Roy paused, and smiled. "I have something that just might answer that question, Ed."

In Roy's office, Riza was already there, blushing and waving nicely at Roy and the boys. Ed looked at Roy. "So what would answer my question?" He asked, looking around the room. Roy walked over to Riza, and held her hand.

"It just so happens that Riza and I..."

"are MARRIED!" They finished in unison.

Ed and the others gaped in suprise. Roy gestured to Riza. "So meet your new mother, boys!"

Wow...R&R!


	6. Pool Party!

Chapter 6: Pool Party!

Ed and the others gaped in suprise. Riza, the gun-obsessed sharp-shooter, their mother!

After an hour, Ed asked his new mom, "Riza, can we go swimming soon? I'm hot!" Envy and Al nodded in agreement. Riza thought for a moment, and smiled. "Since today me and Roy have to work, we can't go swimming. But, how about tomorrow we go to my house for awhile and swim in my pool? That is, if you are good and if it's okay with your father." Riza explained. Ed, Envy, and Al ran up to the colonel's desk with puppy eyes. Roy sighed, and pretended to think for a moment. "I guess, but ONLY if you promise to be good. Any mischeif or fighting, the deal's off. Got it?" Roy agreed.

"We promise!" They shouted happily.

The rest of the day went by like a dream. No fighting, no pranks, or any kind of bad behavior. Roy was having the time of his life. Except for all the paperwork he missed. At the same time, he was wondering how long this would last. '_After the pool party, I know they're just going to do SOMETHING...but what?'_

The next day was crazy. The children were bugging and badgering him as if they were going in 10 years. Finally, 1:00 came, and they all packed up to go to Riza's pool. Ed wearing his blue swimming trunks, Al wearing his red trunks, and Envy wearing green. Even Roy was wearing blue with red flames.

Soon, they met up with Riza in her backyard, where the pool was waiting. Riza was wearing a blue and dark blue striped bikini. "Have at it, boys." She said, gesturing to the pool. Ed, Envy, and Al jumped in, and swam like there was no tomorrow. At one point, Riza decided to jump in herself. Roy laid back in a green lawn chair. Ed noticed this, and yelled, "C'mon dad! This is fun!"

Roy looked at Ed, then went back to lying back in the chair. Ed frowned, and started to tug on his dad's foot. "C'mon! Come swim!" Ed begged. Roy kept silent. Ed huffed, and swam away.

Riza looked over at Ed, and saw the angry look on his face. "Uh, oh. What's wrong?" She asked. Ed looked at Roy. "Roy's ignoring me. And he won't play with me." Ed grumbled. Riza smiled, and got out of the pool, the young boys watching intently.

Riza walked over to Roy, who looked up at his wife. "Yes?" He asked. "Ed says you have been ignorin g him and won't play with him. Is that true?" Riza asked. Roy sighed. "I haven't been ignoring him, and I just don't feel like getting in right now." he answered. Riza frowned, then had an idea.

Taking a firm grip on the chair legs, Riza tipped the lawn chair over, tipping Roy into the pool. Roy soon popped up, and yelled, "THAT WAS A DIRTY TRICK!" To which Riza just smiled, and the young ones laughed.

At 4:00 it was time for Roy and the boys to leave, much to the younger boys' disappointment. They hugged Riza goodbye, and drove home.

YAY! R&R! I NEED IDEAS!


	7. Lost

Chapter 7: Lost

At bedtime, Roy had some great news for the boys. "Tomorrow, Riza and I are taking you out on a hike through the woods!" To which everyone cheered. After putting Al and Ed to bed, Roy had to look around for Envy, who was hiding under the dining room table, trying not to laugh.

Roy was about to give up, when he heard quiet snickers coming from the dining room. Envy saw Roy coming over to him, and decided it was time to run. He climbed out from under the table, and slipped between Roy's legs, laughing. "Get back here Envy!"

After chasing Envy all around the house, Roy finally trapped him in a corner and picked him up by his pajama shirt. "I'm not tired!" Envy yelled. "Too bad. You need to go to bed." Roy admonished as he deposited Envy in his bed.

The next day, the family found themselves in the woods. In front of the woods, Roy laid down a few more rules. "Be quiet so you don't spook the animals, don't touch any suspicious plants, and stay on the trail so you don't get lost."

In the middle of the trip, Envy saw another trail other than the one his family was on. He waited until they were gone, then snuck down the trail. At the end, Envy found a cave. Curious, he snuck inside, and saw a little bear cub. He smiled, and reached out a hand to pet the cub. Envy then suddenly heard a growl behind him. Dreading what was coming, he looking over his shoulder, to see an angry mother bear.

On the other trail, the family heard the roar, and turned toward it. Ed then noticed something. "Hey...where'd Envy go?" they suddenly realized what was going on.

"ENVY!"

The group ran down the trail, to see Envy at the entrance of a cave, an angry bear in front of him. They suddenly heard the firing of a gunshot. Envy turned, to see Riza holding her gun. The bear then ran off with her cub, Envy running to Riza and hugging her tightly, tears running down his face. "Shhh...It's okay, baby. It's okay."

After Envy calmed, Roy picked him up, and led the whole family to the car. At the house, Ed and Al could hear Roy's scolding words to Envy.

"I told you not to leave us."

"I-I'm sorry, daddy!"

"You could've been killed if Ed didn't find out you had left."

"I'm sorry! I'm very sorry!"

Soon after the lecture, both boys heard loud slaps, followed by pain-filled yelps. After that was done, they were put down for their naps, and then did their daily routine.

At bedtime, Roy announced, "Okay, boys. Tomorrow, you're heading for school!"

Oh, no. How will THIS turn out? R&R and gimmie ideas!


	8. School Daze

Chapter 8: School Daze

The next morning, the sound of the alarm clock could be heard, along with shouts from Envy.

"AHHH! MAKE IT STOP!"

Roy ran to Envy's room to to see the problem, and to see Envy covering his ears and banging the clock. "Envy, what's wrong?" Roy asked. "The clock keeps making noise! I can't sleep! AAAAAHHHHH!" Envy yelled. Roy chuckled as he turned off the alarm. "It's an alarm clock. It helps people wake up early." Roy explained. Envy gaped. "Who would ever wanna wake up early!" Envy yelled. "People who go to school like you. Now lets get you ready."

After everyone was dressed and packed, they headed for school.

At Central High, The kids took a look at their schedules:

Language Arts- Riza Hawkeye

Science- Vato Falman

Math- Sheska

Social Studies- Heymans Breda

Health- Jean Havoc

Physical Education- Alex Louis Armstrong

Spanish- Maes Hughes

They all sighed, and entered the school.

In Language Arts, two jocks were sitting on desks, surrounded by pretty girls. One, a white boy with brown, short hair and icy blue eyes wearing a red and gold team jacket and blue jeans was telling about a baseball game he was in when his arm was broken. The girls listened intently as his friend, a black boy with almost no hair wearing the exact same outfit looked out for intruders. The white boy was named Roco, his friend named Harold.

In the middle of Roco's story, Harold nudged him in the arm. Roco looked, and saw the newcomers. Apparently the girls saw them too, for at the same moment, the girls that were swooning around Roco swarmed around the brothers.

Roco stared at the brothers, then looking at Harold, he said, "Someone's gotta knock those three down to size."

Later at lunch, the brothers were enjoying the girls listening to their not-so-truthful tales of adventure. Soon into it, Roco and his posse pulled them out into the hall for some "friendly advice."

"You're under my roof, you play by my rules. Stay away from my girls!"

"How can they be your girls? They don't have your name written on them." Ed retorted.

"Are you challenging me?"

"I don't know, am I?"

"You're DEAD, tiny!"

"WHO'RE YA CALLING A TINY BEANSPROUT!"

Before Ed could lunge at Roco, Envy and Al pulled him back. "You idiot! Think, it's six against three! We're outnumbered! Meaning I'm saying let's RUN!" Envy yelled as they ran down the hall, Roco's posse not far behind.

Soon, Ed was trapped at a dead end, two boys not far behind. They followed him, one saying, "You're dead, shorty!" Ed felt like ranting, but then thought and repeated that in his head, thinking of a way out. He then saw the boys' legs were wide open. Ed ran right through them, shouting, "Being short does have it's advantages you know!"

Ed ran past the bathroom, where Envy ran into, Roco and Harold following. In the room, Envy was caught and was being held upside-down by a leg, his skirt flying up. The duo laughed for awhile, before moving into a stall, with Envy in tow. Holding Envy over the toilet, Roco yelled, "It's swirlie time!"

Despite Envy's pleads, Harold flushed the toilet, then quickly dunked Envy's head into it, his legs flailing near Harold's face. After four seconds, Envy was pulled out, coughing and wiping the toilet water out of his eyes and nose. The two dropped him on the floor, and left. A few seconds later, Ed ran in to check on Envy.

"Are you okay?" Ed yelled. Envy slapped Ed in the face. "OW! What the h#$ was that for!" Envy stood and grabbed Ed's shirt, now face-to-face with Ed. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! IF YOU HADN'T CHALLENGED THAT GUY WE WOULDN'T BE GETTING ALL THIS TORTURE!" Envy yelled, his face and hair still dripping. Envy then dropped Ed and stomped out of the bathroom to find Al.

Al was found hanging by his underwear in an empty classroom. Envy helped hoist him down, and calmed him down. Ed, seeing the state his younger brother was in, decided to put a stop to it.

Oh, boy. What's going on in Ed's head now? R&R AND IDEAS!


	9. Riza and Suspension

Yes, I'M ALIVE!

Chapter 9: Riza and Suspension

The next day at school, Ed, Envy, and Al had devised a plan for the jocks. As soon as Roco was walking by the flagpole on his usual route, Ed used alchemy to turn the flagpole into a giant hand and grab the back of Roco's underwear, giving him an alchemic wedgie. Roco screamed, and Harold rushed to save him, but was stopped by two alchemic hands.

The hands were being controlled by Al and Envy, who used them to throw Harold face-first into a well. Envy laughed and ran to the well, holding Harold by his feet. "How do you like me NOW!" He yelled as he repeatedly dunked Harold into the dirty water.

Soon, the principal, a bald, fat man in a business suit and red tie with glasses came out and saw the commotion. "WHAT THE H#$ IS GOING ON HERE!" He yelled. Envy and Ed froze, and stopped laughing. The only noise that was being made, was the screams of two jocks.

Later at Roy's house, Envy, Al, and Ed gloomily stepped in, to see Riza sitting on the couch with Roy! "Riza?" Envy called. Riza looked up, as well as Roy.

"Oh, um…Riza's house was burned down so from now on, she's going to live with us!" Roy exclaimed. The trio smiled, and then frowned. Roy frowned too. "What happened?" He asked in suspicion. Ed, Al, and Envy handed their folders which told Roy what happened, and said the boys were suspended for a week.

Riza came over and read the notes, and dragged the three to her and Roy's room. Roy leaned on the door with his ear, listening to what was happening. He heard a lot of smacks and crying, then Riza yelling that the boys were grounded for the remainder of their suspension. Meaning no T.V, no going swimming in Riza's pool (which survived the fire for being full of water) and basically stay in their rooms unless they had to go to the bathroom or eat.

After the yelling stopped, three sniffling boys came out and went to their rooms, rubbing aching bottoms. Roy winced. He turned to Riza. "Did you really have to be harsh?" He asked. "Yes. Any other parent would have let their kids off and they would repeat what caused their suspension. I'm going to make sure they don't think about doing it again." Riza admonished. Roy sighed.

Okay. I need ideas for what the heck they can do while they are grounded, or it may take QUITE awhile for the next chapter. R&R AND IDEAS!


End file.
